Little Victories

I used to do this thing that felt like failure. I still do it but it doesn’t feel like failure anymore. It feels like life.

Here is what I used to do, and still do. I plan to do a lot of things I rarely get to or finish.

But it’s okay.

It’s okay to throw a lot of stuff at the wall to see what sticks.

Here’s an example: I saw a blip about making sunscreen at home so I ordered raspberry seed oil, coconut oil, shea butter, beeswax, fig essential oil and zinc from Amazon.

I probably did this at midnight when I couldn’t or wouldn’t sleep. I ordered all the stuff up including little jars to put the sunscreen in.

It all arrived and what happened next? I left it stacked on my dining room table for two weeks before stashing it in the corner of my junk-slash-workout room.

As we do….

But last weekend I was cleaning and found all the supplies and since cleaning is worse than making sunscreen I got distracted and made a bunch of moisturizer and a bunch of sunscreen. A huge bucket full. Finally.

I was able to make the sunscreen when it was the more attractive of two options. I made the sunscreen when making it WAS AVAILABLE TO ME.

I have written and published various versions of this same blog post because it’s such an ongoing revelation to realize that timing often IS actually everything and sometimes you can only do what is AVAILABLE to you at the time.

This weekend I was able to weed the front yard after months of neglect. It became an available option and I did it.

I haven’t finished the crochet blanket I started several years ago or gotten very far with the paint by numbers that looked cool but are actually somewhat tedious to complete. I have a potters wheel that was pretty affordable but haven’t located a community kiln or learned anything about glazes ….. yet.

I’ve lost 25 pounds in 18 months but it didn’t happen any of the times I swore it would – it has happened slowly through little bursts of determination to change some habits and create new and better routines.

I never became an aging ballerina en pointe in an adult ballet class (I wrote about that a ways back if you recall) but I do remember to stand up straight pretty often.

My big aha – the thing I have realized is that by tossing so many balls in the air I do manage to catch a few.

That’s my process and I think all the pop psychology and admonitions that address procrastination and not finishing what we start – for some of us we need to start a bunch of things to see what’s gonna stick.

Some of us are masters at having too many irons in the fire and we like it that way.

I want to be someone who goes deeper with fewer endeavors but to be honest my work is one giant deep dive and sometimes I have ignore a lot else just to get through the week.

Right now my biggest challenge is to find time and space 1) to play my violin 2) to workout and 3) to read novels.

I always read one book in the few days I’m on Maui and maybe that’s the only place I am relaxed enough to be able to read. Maybe that’s all that’s available.

Sometimes we have to put it out in the universe and we have to be patient until we can move forward with something we want to do.

I am reminding myself of this today because I forgot about the available thing and put pressure on myself last week to finish a list of tasks and I almost had a breakdown.

Almost having a breakdown for me looks like stubbed toes, bonking my car on curbs, spilling drinks – when I push myself too hard I start having little accidents and I know it’s time to slow down and chill.

That’s when I have to remind myself that some things won’t get done until the time is right and pushing isn’t the answer.

The answer is to stay gently in motion with grit and determination and grace and to do what is available every day.

That’s enough. And the rest should not be some problem to solve.

It’s life.

For fun, here’s more thoughts on the topic. After you read the New Yorker article you can beat yourself up knowing you’re in good company – or you can reread my words that allow you forgiveness 🩷 I don’t frame it as procrastination anymore – Again – It’s life.

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2010/10/11/later