Ugh, Dammit.

I am not rocking my best life at the moment.

At the moment, it all feels pretty awful. It feels like I’m rolling that ball uphill and darn it if it isn’t rolling back down the mountain and crushing me in the process – at all too regular intervals.

I’m not going to give in to feeling shitty. Yesterday I had to give in because my body only allowed me to buy food at the farmer’s market and plants at the nursery and then it said enough. So I watched the movie Nashville (first time-it’s genius) and lost myself in a bottle of wine.

I know better than to do that two days in a row.

I have three adult children who do not move in straight lines or do anything the easy way. For me that has meant considerable turmoil and angst – for years. And money. LOTS and lots of money. Oh and sometimes they resent me and act out as I am giving them money. Yay.

I am a softie and emotional and those are not a great qualities in a parent. I don’t love telling people what to do, authority – any of that – so I often am very patient then I get outraged and I crumble or maybe I yell a little. I don’t have good boundaries.

I struggle to understand my role at this point. After years of giving it my all with mixed results I am now a ship that’s breaking up in the surf. I’m taking on water and I need to abandon ship and swim for my own life and let them do the same.

I tired. I’m almost too tired to swim but what choice do I have?

My daughter and Maui have been my happy place but the last few trips haven’t been the best because my kid is in transition. She is very good at putting on her own seat belt first and I am not. I planned a trip out and it did not go well.

It went about as bad as it could go, actually.

I can’t go into too many details because i respect other people’s privacy but I can say that the visit was co-opted by a situation that was untenable and she ended up leaving me on Day 2 in a restaurant and now we aren’t really talking.

I had to spend extra renting an Airbnb and I also am having to subsidize another kid so my money situation is all messed up (as usual – who am I kidding?).

Good-bye personal trainer.

And…….this weather is not helping. It’s socked in gray fog all morning with a chance of sun later. It throws me off regarding how to dress and what to expect and what sort of vibe to bring to the day. At first I just let it mess with my mojo but it’s been like this all summer so today I am reminding myself that there is a good chance that the fog is temporary and even if it isn’t I have to move myself and get up.

I love sunny mornings and balmy evenings and this is not that. But honestly if the Swedes can practice Hygge then I’d better invent something similar and just deal with things.

Here is an example of the way things go for me – Miss single lady. Sometimes I love being single and other times it sucks. I love it when I get to sleep in and no one bothers me and I hate it when I have to do all the shopping and cleaning and carrying and schlepping and there’s no help.

I am used to the loneliness and I don’t feel it anymore. I have a pretty social job so time alone is restful and nice. But there are times I have something to say and there’s no one to tell it to. And there’s no one infusing my life with their energy or their stuff. Sometimes it’s nice to receive a little life infusion or to have a buddy to read with. It can also be a pain in the ass, but there are upsides to cohabitation.

Even though I can do whatever I want, doing things can be an issue. Here is an example. I saw that Lyle Lovitt tickets were open and I got eight free tickets to see him at Stern Grove. When it’s sunny out the venue is beautiful. It’s not going to be sunny and I am not going to be there because I couldn’t find a sole to go with me.

Normally I do things like this alone but right now for whatever reason I can’t do it.

I also don’t really want to go.

I want to get up and garden and fix up my house and get inside my head until I’m ready to come out of it – again.

I’m old enough to know that things will shift and I just have to keep moving and let the dust settle and be strong and live big and all that.

I also know that it’s not great to complain when so many people have actual real problems.

Still…Life has gotten very heavy and complicated and it takes a lot of work and resilience and attitude to keep things humming. That’s my issue and it feels like a real issue.

I’m going to get off my tush and do the best job of seizing the day that I possibly can.

Please pray for sunshine. Not so much that we scorch and die like in Texas and the hot parts of the country but enough to warm my sad beat-up heart.

And if I can’t have that maybe a clean kitchen and a spruced up garden and a walk around the lake or some dancing in the kitchen will be enough.

Pray for enough to get me back in the groove of life, because not groovin’ on life is a horrible shame when it happens.

Godspeed!