Blocked

I haven’t written in some time because I’ve been……blocked! I’ve been blocked, as in the dreaded (pirate)…..writer’s block.

Writing used to only be a matter of sitting down and cracking open the computer and letting all the thoughts swirling in my head run free. I had a constant narrative in my head running laps, making comments and observations, composing paragraphs, and all I had to do was open up my laptop and let it flow out onto the screen.

Then it all went still and when writing doesn’t flow it’s nearly impossible to figure out what to say and……. it’s not all that much fun.

Hence the not writing.

I did compose a short little piece about a very brief return to online dating and a very sweet man I met but there was an internet error and despite this site supposedly auto-saving every few minutes and despite him being a lovely man, I lost them both.

That post mimicked my short relationship. It and the man went poof and that was that and I did not have the energy to recreate either. I didn’t write again and I surely didn’t date.

But of the two, I miss writing. It’s on my list of things that make me ME, and there has been a void.

The block is simple: my mind is suspiciously quiet.

From a Zen point of view, that would be considered awesome, but for a writer, it’s death.

I have a few ideas I jotted down because when I get a brainstorm and have no time to write I try and make a note. If you don’t write down your ideas or flesh them out immediately you lose a lot. I’m not that great at recapturing thoughts, even when I’ve taken notes, but do have some notes.

I don’t particularly want to return to a racing mind, but I wouldn’t mind a little more material to get me writing again.

So…….what’s going on in my head, and why are ideas not banging around in there anymore? I would like to say it’s a bunch of inner peace and mindfulness that’s gotten me to this point, and to some extent, that’s true.

But there is something else you might be able to relate to: I’m just plain numb.

I’m not checked out. I still pay attention. But it’s all become too damn much to absorb and to process.

Everyone has their personal list of what feels like too much. I think I was kind of holding on until the war in Ukraine and everyone started talking about WWIII and the nuclear threat.

Seriously? On top of everything else we don’t seem to be able to unite and solve, we now need to rebuild another country that’s being leveled for no good reason and angst about ducking and covering?

What’s really great about this is everyone is watching so it’s not like we don’t know what is happening and everyone feels really bad and all we are doing is filming and talking about war crimes as if that’s going to end this suffering and bring these people back to life. What if we all had just lined up at Ukraine’s border and said sorry Putin. NO! before it even began.

I don’t want to say mothers should run the world but I think if that were true the world be a different place. As is, as an individual with not a lot of cash and very little unaccounted for time there’s shit I can do about this. Hence the numb.

I just don’t understand how we let all this dysfunction build up in the world when we have been given so much. This is our Garden of Eden and everyone’s just being dumb about things.

I’ve had one thought that has pushed me forward to live my life as best I can. It’s that suffering is optional, and should only be done when one has no choice but to suffer. In other words, there is nothing wrong with squeezing every ounce of joy from one’s life, even as Rome burns and other people and the planet are perishing.

Mass extinction? Well I’m planting a garden and enjoying the visiting hummingbirds and the explosion of ladybugs. Bank account perpetually on overdraft? I have some faith that it will improve and if it doesn’t I’ll eventually do something and it will be okay. Ukraine and other massacres? I don’t know WTF to say there except kiss the sky and appreciate every damn day I’m allowed to wake up to relative peace and comfort. Yeah, I give a little money when I can and try and help out but let’s face it – it’s nothing much and as individuals, other than treating each other with kindness, most of us don’t have the power or money or time to do enough about all this. Maybe that’s how they get us. They keep us busy surviving while they work their evil mischief.

It’s a lot.

Has it always been a lot, or did I just now notice? Is this life with all its ups and downs? I mean, generations have lived through plenty. There have been other waves of doomsday worries though climate change seems to be more of an actual fact and reality than a possibility to fret over. But still….this planet has a lot of tricks up its mother-earth sleeves. Sad to see the dinosaurs go but look at us now. Maybe there will be…..progress?

It’s hard to write about my own personal fluffy fluff when serious shit is raining down on this earth, but perhaps that’s just what we little humans do. We live our small lives as best we can and we plant little gardens and stick our heads in the sand. Maybe it’s not just okay, but necessary to take ourselves and the ten pounds we’d like to lose seriously.

I still believe that a good life life is made up of little things, and it”s okay to stare at our own navel sometimes. We are just people. We can do a little good and have a little fun but in the end we’re all gonna end up dust in the wind no matter what.

But I also believe that people can rally and make the world a better place. Seeing the images from Ukraine makes it hard to la-di-da our way through life. Realizing that much of the world suffers profoundly casts a long shadow over our privileged lives.

The only conviction I have come across that allows for joy is the principle of gratitude. We are not just allowed to appreciate our own good fortune, but compelled to.

I hike and I notice the wildflowers and the birds and everything that is in this world. These wonders will be gone one day, as will I, as will the entire planet as we know it. I am one of the luckiest creatures ever to have existed. I live in peace with an abundance of food and riches. If I don’t appreciate this, I’m a fool.

Suffering ourselves won’t help the world. Civilization is on life support, for certain. We each must do something, even if it feels futile. I’m thinking of ways to help but nothing huge has hit me yet. I’ve needed to do some navel gazing, and I’m planning to do more of that here in this blog.

I could do more. I could sell my house and donate everything and give myself over to an international organization and live in the field. I am not unaware of this and my unwillingness burdens me with shame and disgust. Maybe there is a compromise.

I hope to get strong enough to have more to give, but I am afraid to over-commit. I have decided to order a grabber and walk the streets picking up trash as a meditation on what I can do. I hope that as I walk ideas will come and I will find new purpose in giving back.

And as for the magic in the world, I am trying to appreciate all of it, before it slips away.

Namaste.