Happy Thanksgiving: A Holiday Rant.

I’m all for gratitude. I know how lucky I am. There is beauty all around, and I see it. Life is magic, and I mean that. I take note of the good often…like, every day. I’ve had a great life, all things considered. Mother nature, animals, children and music – there’s a lot to be grateful for.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way I need to also say that Thanksgiving and the Holiday Season can be a little rough.

Growing up I went to my grandparents. I don’t know what my divorced parents did. I never gave it a thought. There was a kid table with my cousins and we had mashed potatoes and green beens and ham. Then my grandmother died and Thanksgiving moved.

It’s been at my mom’s since, except the year I was with Natalie on Maui and last year, when I was crying so hard I had to bow out.

Last year was a doozy.

Much has worked out but a three day notice to vacate my office of 15 years right before the holidays pretty much ruined everything. My people – some I didn’t even know would be there for me – rallied and I am now in an even better space, but it was rough, and scary.

I still haven’t quite stabilized. It turns out money does matter, a bit, and I’m currently paying for years of not worrying too much about any of it.

I chose private practice. I’ve lived a lot of little spectacular moments that I wouldn’t trade for Kaiser, not even with their hefty retirement. Still, there are bills and I am chronically behind and it’s stressful.

I’m busy in my once a month therapy sesh-ions learning to accept the fact that the movie I am living in real life now is different than the one I thought I paid to see.

My kids are spread out and not on linear paths….not at all. I miss my daughter and haven’t been able to see her for months. Maui flights have doubled in price. Owen always house sits over the holidays so he just left for Sal’s. Sal is a dog. And Will is in Chicago. I’m here with a (still) dying pig, four rowdy dogs, a gecko, and a tortoise who I am creatively keeping warm on these colder nights – and my least favorite…perma-darkness.

I’ll go to my mom’s but with her support of Trump it has become tricky. She is happy not to talk about it; I am the problem. It will just be four of us, if Owen makes it. I’m hoping to go into some fugue state of denial of everything going on in the world and since we can’t discuss what’s going on in the world, the kids or my work which is now an identified “problem”, I just hope I can channel something good.

I have a boyfriend and I have chosen to adore him. He doesnt like my pig, or my dogs – so I either go to his house or it’s not happening. Right now it’s not happening, though I will head to his place tomorrow for a second Thanksgiving.

I have to rally.

I have to enjoy this movie, because it’s what I’ve got.

I’m starting with some chilling out in bed with the Thanksgiving Day parade. The dogs are rowdy and wish I’d take them to Point Isabel already but I’m not doing that today.

There is sun. Thank goodness for that.

Last year I didnt celebrate anything and I didnt have a tree but this year I think I should rally. So maybe I’ll get a tree. Tomorrow.

Today I think I should just breathe. There’s a lot on my to do list. I’ve been to-do-ing non-stop this year. Very little carefree down time. Lot’s of worries, and I am an expert non-worrier. But it’s been hard not to fret.

Right now my phone doesn’t recognize my face because I took off my strip lashes. The hardest thing I’ll do today is glue some back on, if I’m lucky. I need to come out from under this weight.

The truth is that most lives are harder than mine. The truth also is that I am facing challenges I never expected.

If we live long enough life changes up our stories in ways we never imagined, and maybe never agreed to.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is, oddly enough, lending a little holiday cheer as I type this.

I am grateful that two of my babies in the hospital this year are going to be okay. And I am keeping in my thoughts two other families who are spending their first Thanksgiving without a child they thought they’d grow old with. It’s been quite a year for some of my families.

So… breathe in, breathe out.

And, Namaste.