How Did I Get Here?

I’m rebooting this little blog because I need to vent.

I do have a Better Help therapist, so you don’t have to worry (too hard) about me.

Jeannie is my best friend. I go deep with her for 45 minutes a week. She laughs at my jokes, she cares when I tear up and the woman is on my side. Score.

But it has gotten so bad that even our little sessions have become difficult. I told her yesterday through a big ugly cry that thinking about my current list of issues and problems is too much. So therapy is now a double-edged sword.

Time to blog.

I got the best advice from my twenty year old patient who forced herself on me this summer and is running my office, barefoot. She is on her phone, listens to podcasts and watches TV on the computer and is involved in intrigue with friends and family all day long – but somehow she gets things done. She is seriously on top of things.

I came to work Monday morning all sniffly and teary. I told her I was trying to pull it together and she grabbed me by the shoulders and said to me, “If you can’t do anything about it right now do NOT think about it.”

Bam!

I heeded her instruction and set about my day. It worked. Until I started thinking about things again.

The next morning I was just as hysterical as I was the morning before so I called my boyfriend. Our relationship is complicated and I knew better so when he said at the end of my rant, “I don’t know what to say,” I braced myself, said thanks for listening and sucked it up.

There is nothing like being slapped with the realization that no one is going to save you. When you are on your own it’s sink or swim. Get moving.

I have come to learn that people can help and do want to. So a huge shout out to everyone who has lent a hand this year. But I still have to keep the balls in the air.

By Wednesday I managed to rally. My work is pretty fun, the patients are cute, and with Cassidy helping me, it is manageable.

I started the day with a much overdue dog walk at Point Isabel. But instead of tiring the dogs out, it amped them up.

I got to work with both dogs on leashes and had an elevator accident that almost snapped Rayna’s neck. I still can’t figure out how she survived.

Rex (who rides the elevator like a champ) got in with Rayna. I was lugging laundry and at the last minute Rayna exited and the doors shut on the leash and the elevator took off.

I panicked and hit the alarm that stopped the elevator but it wouldnt allow me to open the doors to release the leash.

I remembered that Rayna could slip her collar and had no choice but to pray she would free herself as I resumed my trip up to the third floor. At the very top the leash pulled out of the door but by then we were pretty far up.

We found her running around with her collar and leash still on, and alive.

I was again hysterical. My patients who were waiting for me, the Johal kids, hugged me. Maya my patient, and a student who is shadowing me hugged me, and Cassidy laughed.

I was shakey but got moving.

Lately I’ve been losing keys, getting locked out, almost killing my dogs and the pig keeps threatening to die.

Garth passed and I got a really naughty puppy (Rex) who is chewing up everything I own.

And those aren’t even my actual problems. We’ll get to that as I do intend to whine and bitch and overshare – a lot.

For now I’ll try and find a bra and some clean clothes and get to work.

Because all you can do is keep going.

Namaste.